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Here Are The 10 Things I Hate About You, Berlin

Loving Berlin is so passé. Inspired by the scene in classic all American teenage rom-com, 10 Things I Hate About You, where surly Kat does a naff updated version of Shakespeare’s Sonnet 141, here is my very own poem to the city:

I hate the bloody U8,
and every second I spend on it.
I hate the robbing Postbank,
their charges make me vomit.
I hate GEMA, you censoring twats
you make our lives a living-hell.
Thank God for proxies- where would we be,
without regular access to the BBC?
I hate the bloody delicious cuisine:
the Schnitzel, the Spätzle and the Wurst.
I’ve gained 10 stone since I first moved here
and now I’m fully fit to burst.
I hate the vast flatness,
I’m used to rolling hills,
Now I go to KlunkerKranich for a view,
like everyone else it feels.
I hate the smugness of Bio Company,
Oh to live the organic dream!
The obedience to rules is also quite spectacular,
As are the manners it would seem.

I hate the way that people still say,
Berlin is ‘poor but sexy’.
What does this even mean
anymore? We’re living the bohemian dream?
We all come here to be ‘free’-
free from the rat race, down with capitalism!
Yeah right. Just come here and you’ll see.
There’s nothing sexy about interning in ‘Silicon Allee’.
It’s a start-up jungle, ‘flat hierarchies’ galore-
is that supposed to make it less of a bore?

I hate the derision for homeless people,
but then that’s everywhere I guess.
I hate the casual racism I’ve encountered,
in this ‘multi-kulti capital’ of the West.
Oh and when will I be as good at Tischtennis,
as all the rest?
I hate that everyone lives in Neukölln-
or even worse, ‘Kreuzkölln’.
And I hate that living in Mitte means that
everytime I take a stroll,
I trip over a bilingual Montessori tot,
his Bio-Quark all mixed up with his snot.

On a serious note, I love living here,
I mean… it’s cheap to buy beer?
But no, the Germans and Germany are great,
and I’m sorry for all the hate.
But you don’t need me to rate this city any more,
It’s been done to death mate.

By Jane Walton

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