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For The Love of God Please Vaccinate: A Love Letter


I'm by no means a good human being, on the contrary, for all intents and purposes I openly admit to being a huge asshole. An asshole, but not one without cause either. What really grinds my gears and completely justifiably so is the topic of vaccination, now, if you aren't aware because thank god! You don't watch the local media tripe nonsense of absolute fear-mongering, trying to get you to consume every time you flip on the damn channel, you're unaware of the group calling themselves the “anti-vaxxers.”

Now! If you're unaware, let me bring you up to speed real quick, a history lesson of pop culture idiocracy if you will. There was a woman named Jenny McCarthy, if you're unaware who Jenny McCarthy is, well! Let's just say she really has no scientific grounds to stand on when she made the oh so famous claim that vaccines cause autism in children! More so in unborn children. You want to know the credentials of Ms. McCarthy? She was a nurse, she didn't major in chemistry, she has no quantifiable clue about the makings of vaccines. Yet she spearheaded a movement.

If you were also unaware like I was, maybe because you don't buy newspapers here in Berlin cause I sure as hell don't; there is currently a resurgence of measles running through the city of Berlin, yeah, that virus, you know, the one we incidentally thought was extinct in the modern first-world? Yeah, turns out, as surprising as it is; it's not extinct, in fact, it has a sequel brewing called measles 2: Vengeance Day, and it's not coming with a cutesy “let's get revenge on the cheating asshole called Scott” kind of vengeance, ooh no! It's coming with a “I'll be back with a biological nuke” vengeance. My how fun!

Now, one could easily argue “but Florian! The newspapers said it was only 100 or so confirmed cases!” and I'm gonna be real excited to remind you that we live in a city, you know, where we're forced to be put into cramped spaces to get where we need to be going. Now, imagine, with a highly infectious virus like measles, do you really wanna take your chance when you're constantly running around the city, or in the cramped up spaces? I sure as hell don't.

Now if my position on this situation hasn't been clear enough let me reiterate my point: get vaccinated! Get vaccinated! For the love of god or whoever you call out to in this seeming emptiness, get vaccinated! Why? Because as surprising as it turns out (this is gonna be a real shocker I know!) It turns out vaccines aren't designed to get you sick, or kill you off slowly, or hell, even cause autism in unborn children (unless you're a pregnant ex-pat this shouldn't even worry you to begin with) what it does is infect you with dead bacteria of said virus, so that your body checks it out like a crime scene from NCIS, probably with autopsy report inside with all the little white cells, I don't know, I'm not an expert on white cells, I can't be held responsible for the shenanigans they get up to. Then, what they do is relatively simple, they remember this, and use this memory to stop it from properly entering the body.

The problem herein lies this goes on the basis that everyone vaccinates, because when a human being is infected with measles, and they infect another person, that vaccination won't be a 100% guarantee that you're not gonna catch whatever the guy next to you on the subway has. Why? Because virus's have this gross tendency of adapting, and then changing to fly under the radar. However, if there's no host for it to adapt to, it can't adapt, it can't change, hence death. But no, it's probably best not to vaccinate, let children have measles! Builds some character! (If you don't get yet that I'm being sarcastic here's the little warning, I'm being sarcastic!)

So what can we learn from this incident? Vaccinate, that is literally it, please vaccinate, I caught a fever and cold over the weekend and I was half worrying I actually got the oh so lovely privilege of getting measles. I didn't, so I guess, the silver lining and all, but still, if you're intending to go to a different country learn to be prepared for possible vaccinations to take, because despite there being only a 1-2% chance of death from measles despite all help, a 0.01% chance of brain, and a 25% chance of being hospitalized (all these statistics having been recorded by the CDC) it is always best to stomp out all risk when moving. You don't want to be that guy (or girl) that ends up on the news as part of the Darwin awards.

CDC Measles Source

By Florian Schmidt
If you're into more observations of Berlin, why don't you follow me on twitter; @teabagtroopers

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